What would I sacrifice?

I have been struggling for some time now with the idea of cost. Sacrifice. My husband and I have been discussing adopting. We should be praying about it, but I'm sorry to say we haven't been doing enough of that. Although I have been testing God by saying "Thy will be done", I haven't actually put my own foot forward to see if the doors would even be opened.

Adding another child to our family seems like a blessing on the outside. I wonder though if I am sacrificing the well being and care of the three children I already do have. They are not physically dependent on me like some disabled children although they each go through their time of dependency and need more than other "normal" children. So I ask myself, is it even responsible to add another child to this mix? Am I taking for granted the needs of the three already here? Is it fair to us? Would it even be fair to the adopted child?

This morning's bible study was Acts 21. What struck me was the prophecy that Paul would be bound by the Jews of Jerusalem and handed over to the Gentiles. In response to this proclamation, Paul says "The Lord's will be done". Acts 21:14b. Christians usually glaze over statements like these. Paul is willing to sacrifice himself. He always is. That is a fundamental trait of the disciples and apostles. But is it running through his head whether not it is a wise sacrifice? That's what stops me.

There is no doubt that I would jump in front of a moving car to sacrifice myself for my child. I would give my life to give them longer, healthier lives, especially lives in the new Jerusalem. But, would I sacrifice their comfort for the comfort of another? Would I take away hamburgers and french fries for the three to give peanut butter and jelly to five?

(as I type this I am reprimanding my children for being loud and disruptive just so I can get these thoughts out, an obvious sacrifice of their desire to go outside and play to my desire to understand God's will for my life.)

Before I've even completed processing these thoughts for today, I hop over to 2Samuel, where I am catching up on my reading I do with my eldest child. Uzzah is in charge of transporting the Ark of the Covenant. Human hands cannot touch this holy of holies. He prepares the animals to transport the ark, but something happens. An Ox stumbles and Uzzah reaches out to catch the pole holding the Ark. Because Uzzah had not properly handled the preparations and transportation of the carrying of the Ark, he touched it. God struck him dead, "because of his irreverent act." Ack!

Is it irreverent of me, a mother, to invite another person into my home before I have adequately cared for the spiritual welfare of the three I already have? Or is it irreverent of me to not reach out to one I have the moderate means to provide for? I really wish I knew. I had hoped in writing these thoughts down that a decision would make itself apparent. Kids wandering in and out of the room tell me that maybe I don't have my house in order yet. I don't spend enough time praying for them. I don't spend enough time studying the word with them. It may be less about spreading our financial resources thinner and more about developing our spiritual resources to better be prepared for the growth of our family, which will inevitably come when our children marry and have families of their own.