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Growing up in the small town of Lancaster, SC, my favorite hymn would roll around in the back of my head like loose marbles in the back of your van.  "Here I am, Lord.  Is it I Lord?  I have heard you calling in the night.  I will go, Lord, if you lead me.  I will hold your people in my heart."  I sang it at tiny St. Catherine's Catholic Church.  I muttered it at camp on hikes, and I hummed it while cleaning my room.  Sometimes I think it may not have been the most prudent thing to pray/sing to God.  My grandmother jokes, saying, "Don't pray for strength, because you'll get trials enough to build that strength."

Although I grew up Christian, it wasn't until I was an adult that I came to know Christ, and actually behave like someone who aspires to be like him.  And it wasn't until I became a Mom that the Lord revealed his purpose for me to me.  No, it wasn't that moment when I first held my baby boy in my arms.  No, it wasn't when he said his first word, which was "momma", by the way.  How is it possible for me to still see that image in my memory like it was yesterday when it was fourteen years ago??  

No, I threw down the gauntlet standing next to a hospital bed, watching my four year old son struggle to find any words because a seizure had rattled his brain so much that all he could say was, "Ba, Ba" to the stuffed bear the EMT's gave him in the ambulance on the way to the hospital.  (That bear is still with us by the way.  His name is Alex.)

Standing next to him, seeing my only child, this tiny creature swallowed up in this gigantic bed, seeing all the light gone from his eyes, all the wit, all the charm, all the spirit gone, along with his ability to speak, I made him a promise.  I promised him I would do whatever I could to help him get better.  I might have to quit my job.  I might have to spend my days at therapies, driving to doctors, I don't know what, but I would do it if I could help him get better.  

Of course, I had no idea that he would get better.  Within an hour.  He was just having a prolonged post-ictal (after seizure) recovery.  I didn't back down from my promise to him.  But I didn't have to quit my job and devoting myself full time to his care. (Not yet)  I also didn't have two more children (not yet) who, as it turned out, also have epilepsy.  I hadn't even imagined them, but God had.  "Here I am, Lord.  Is it I Lord?"  And he placed three amazing, funny, compassionate, loving, generous, and yes, epileptic children in my life.  Yes, I have had to stop working, and yes, I advocate for home education of special needs kids.  But, I have fallen into the loving arms of my Lord, not knowing His plans for us, but knowing He knows his plans for us, and I can trust that.  His steadfast love endures forever.