The Battle Burdened Mother

You mom's of special needs kids know what it is to fight.  You fought the doctors to speed up diagnosis, you fought the insurance company to pay for therapy, you fought cross town traffic to get to therapy, you fought the pharmacy to accurately fill prescriptions, and you fought the schools to just get fair treatment.  It goes completely against what we are told to do in Ephesians.

"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love."  Ephesians 4:2

So-called "normal" kids have the "normal" path laid out for them.  For our kids who are forging a path against the grain because of their disabilities or differences, we have to forge for them, so they don't have to do all the fighting.

I have no doubt in my mind that our special needs children were placed in our lives, at this time, in this place for us to raise for His purpose.  And I don't doubt that we are to insist that others see the humanity in our children.  Neither do I question if we are supposed to push and push and push and not take no for an answer when we know that is the wrong answer for our kids.  But I see the affects of the near constant up hill struggle I have faced with my kids.  In my marriage.

At the end of a long day, sitting on the couch with a cup of peppermint tea while the house is quiet and I should be calm, and I appear to be calm, just a routine question from my husband can wake the growling dragon that has been tethered inside me all day.  It is my choice whether or not to unleash it on him.

After years of enduring my wrath despite having done nothing to cause it, I have begun telling my husband, "I'm not mad at you, I'm mad near you."  I know I try my best not to offend the doctors I am frustrated with, not to shout at the insurance company in front of the children, not to show my disappointment in therapists my children love.  But I am human.  These aches and pains of raising a special needs child have to come out some time.  But not at my husband.  He loves my kids almost as much as I do (you know noone loves your kids like you do).  And he grieves for them like I do, and he longs to fix everything, maybe even more than I do.

"As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received."  Ephesians 4:1

Ouch.  A reminder of that gift of eternal life, that free gift given by Christ for us.  How much hurt was in God's heart over the injustice done to His son?  More than is in ours I bet.  After a day of fighting for our children, for the justice we feel they deserve, but was denied our Savior, God tells us to live a life worthy of this calling.  This calling as a daughter of the risen King.  This calling as a mother of a handicapped child.  This calling as the wife of the man who is bearing this burden in his own way - a way that we don't  understand.  We can choose to curtail that growling beast at the end of the day.  We can find ways to let out our frustrations that don't hurt the ones that we hold dear.  I usually start with prayer, follow up with the Word, and end holding hands with my beloved.  I bet some vigorous exercise helps some of you.  I used to cry in the shower.  Sounds sad, but it helped.  Find something.  Preferably something that draws you two together, not something that puts you at opposite ends of the boxing ring.

 "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love."  Ephesians 4:2